In suffocation we cannot breathe. The same can be said for a controlled or dependent life when the dependency is unhealthy. Some people think they need to give up drugs, booze, hoarding, or eating because if they do not they will be shamed, shunned, and love will be withdrawn. Others think they have to hide in addiction because it feels better than sobriety in their individual reality. At the very least the bad deed keeps a person comfortable for a while and sometimes that is all they need for emotional relief and their personal opinion of a happy life.
What if you can live any way you see fit? If I gave you permission right now to go forth and do life your way, here are the resources, what would you do with your opportunity? I am going to guess you just don’t know because you’ve never allowed yourself the idea you CAN be anything you want. Let’s start there. Conscious (learned) thinking is the only thing that keeps anyone stuck in unhappiness. Early training, mind conditioning, thoughts that have been planted and you’ve unconsciously accepted them as truth. Unconscious does not know the difference between fantasy and reality and your feelings and body will respond to all thoughts fed to self whether true or not. Keep telling yourself you are fat, add some fear, worry, shame – bingo – you’ve got more weight then you’ll know what to do with.
The problem is the mind can be so sensitive if a non-abusive adult inadvertently remarks to a child about her weight – it may trigger that child up for a lifetime of eating disorders. Some kids will ignore the comment and simply assume the adult is nuts. Others will take authority literally. After the child’s brain is developed, contrary to popular belief, it’s still up to individuals to figure out how to survive in spite of their thinking deficiencies by the time they leave home. I am not blaming home environments as you will read – the root cause of our problems come from historical conditioning of populations, designed for control.
The creator of life experience after 18 – is you. That means you have a chance now of making something special, or even great about your purpose happen. Not if you are sitting in someone else’s negative mind-set, however. There are a lot of nay-saying folks who can’t wait to tell you your good ideas will not work out. So, smoke some pot or drink some beer or take a pill if you want. Or, ignore what is in your way and make a plan to develop the way you see fit. I am willing to bet you won’t need anything if you are happy and peaceful.
It isn’t easy to shut out the background noise, the mental tapes of no I can’t, and some people seek out help to reframe their thoughts. In hypnotherapy folks come up with their own wise ideas that suits their personality, interests, values, zodiac signs and what have you. The right part of the brain has been so neglected in public school where all the system wants to teach a child is how to remember and calculate proven principles. What we forget all of the best intelligence is sitting on the other side of the brain waiting to be discovered! Wisdom, peace, emotional wellness are all experienced when the right side of the brain is respected as much as we concern ourselves with the left hemisphere.
Perspectives. How we perceive our own behavior and what we see in the actions of others comes from ages of experience we all have in life. My eyes will see something completely different from your eyes in a given case. We will have black and white differences that cannot be reconciled because one person’s experience will be vastly different than someone who has lived in the wilderness, or another place, all of their life.
I am empathetic to people’s issues and I’m not trying to upset anyone here. But my message is getting louder because the mental illness and addiction problem is getting worse under the current models offered.
We do not all experience life the same way because of environment, but more importantly we are all born unique souls with different journey’s of learning and teaching! The problem is everyone wants everyone else to live the same way they do. Of course there are influences, and events special to the individual that will mold a person’s mind toward a certain belief system and reason for core values and behaviors. A family can have a group of amazing beings who all follow the program the way we would want. Everyone gets along the same, thinks the same, does life the same way. I know many families that appear like this and I’ve often felt a little short-changed because I just cannot imagine how that life might be like. I say fantastic and good on you and your historical families for finding a way.
Typically this is not the case and a family has a group of individuals who piss each other off by not complying to the status quo, or complying with resentment. This creates a lot of stress and drama that will reduce chances of a free life. Some have so much over-reaction to problems the dysfunction embedded makes a happy, healthy life for anyone in the group impossible.
I am unsure what my family is doing these days – I only know how I am because I decided a long time ago the same influences that affected me so negatively had to go so I could have a fresh perspective about life and the meaning of my own existence. I’ve had an amazing journey lol…and can’t thank my history enough for teaching me how to find my way. Not everyone can break away but protection of self is possible.
Listen, I am the same woman I have been all of my life – but 100% different in my thinking about what my contribution to the universe was meant to be about. As a strong character I’ve picked myself up and started over a few times, and even after an unhappy childhood I was able to build a comfortable life with family, career, and collecting toys in triplicate. In spite of my good works I came to have a host of life struggles, pain, loss and grief. Heavy duties for living was piling up and I eventually collapsed feeling utterly powerless, voiceless, and really – in some kind of shock I think as I fumbled through my pain, trying to get someone to save my life for me.
Today I look around and adore the beautiful way I discovered to run my own life and am excited about where I am going. Not everyone will want to live my way and this is not my point – I am suggesting what if it is okay you live your way and we let everyone else run their lives as they see fit?
At the end of the day we are all going to do whatever we want to do in spite of other people’s best intention for our lives. Now of course I am not encouraging reckless behavior – or doing anything that directly affects someone else. You are a grown up with manners by now, the civilized thing to do is no harm to others. If you want to slowly kill yourself with habits that harm you – do it, but please don’t allow anyone else to go down with you by insisting they live with your lifestyle.
Today I share a part of me, which is what I bring to the table to encourage peace of mind, comfort, and self happiness instead of the fight for perfection in someone else’s eyes.
I use to have a very hard time liking myself, at all. Ashamed of my very existence and I had no idea why. I was never a bad person – from the moment my only child was born when I was 18, I worked very hard at building a good life for myself and family. I had to do better than anyone else hopefully to prove I am a good girl in everyone else’s mind. Because of early childhood trauma, neglect, and lack of maternal or paternal love I suspect I will have a lifetime of difficulties to overcome – it is my journey and yet now I take on every new challenge with enthusiasm and my good mood remains stable.
My role growing up and into adulthood was to be the willing scapegoat for anyone who didn’t want to take responsibility for their shit. I was begging for love and taught others they could use me as an escape to their problems – I’ll take the blame. I made myself the sponge to be the reason for everyone’s anger, fear, shame and ego pride. I allowed myself to be identified through ‘their’ eyes with little ego fight in me at all. I cared more about everyone else’s feelings than my own. Sometimes I went off into some kind of unconscious rage over the madness of the situation.
It turns out I was mad at myself all along for what I wasn’t doing to help my own good life.
I did not know how to articulate what was wrong because I didn’t know any better way. But my mind and body were in a lot of pain and I now understand a part of me was reacting adversely to the conditions and rules I found myself living in. I was completely blind to my own circumstances even though I thought I had things pretty much figured out. I had to remove myself completely from the brainwashing, manipulation, emotional whippings before I could see a way out through my own eyes.
It is very difficult to cope in today’s perfection oriented, fast paced left brain world of judgement. And we all make things so much harder on ourselves and others with emotional reactions that are unnecessary, do not solve a problem (but can sure make it worse), and even harm us more than if we were just left to change what we want to change – not what others think we should.
All life choices will have natural consequences that are positive or negative. If someone around me doesn’t like what I do, or how I live, but I am okay with myself – they have to go because I refuse to allow anyone else to punish me if I am not breaking any laws.
For me I was living in a world of negative emotions like shame, fear and self anger; then came alcohol, followed by anti-feeling prescribed drugs, then suicide when I realized that no one and nothing else was saving me. Today’s medical answer to the trauma’s that were piling up like a twilight zone movie the methods and motives felt like insanity at some parts. Only I knew I wasn’t insane – I was hurting.
What is offered for help now is not only not working – it is creating insanity. Anyone who still has one eye open can see the drug and mental illness problems in North America are getting worse not better under the organization of ‘science’ or the medical and spiritual models of powerlessness. Yet society is conditioned to believe now that a pill, drug, or mood altering substance is a good idea and prescribe it by the trillions of dollars every year we consume in prescribed medication. The anger I sense from people on the drugs as they read my articles are palpable. They insist I am wrong, the doctors are right and how dare I question science? Oh, I do question science because in my experience (and I have a lot) science is nothing more than a marketing word to convince someone of something they cannot see themselves. Like the world is flat. We’ve known for thousands of years the world is not flat. But the powers back in the day thought it might be a good idea to tell the masses the world was flat to keep folks in control. Not a lot of people left town with that fearful idea of falling off the earth. This is real. It really happened. Science and government have always operated under rules that control the population. This prevents individuals from discovering for themselves something better than what is offered by the bosses. Christopher Columbus didn’t want to stay in his town, and went to Queen Isabel of Spain and begged for money to check out the world. A woman of curiosity and inquiry decided to grant the request and ever since we now all know the world is, in fact, round. Do I trust science? Sometimes. But now I make sure I also consider my personal judgement located on the right brain where my senses live. *
We only will see what we WANT to see until it no longer works, or causes bigger problems. As a people we are about as brainwashed and mind conditioned as we can get when it comes to not believing in ourselves, or natural solutions.
Recently a 40-year-old woman came to see me and had just started Baby Effexor. BABY EFFEXOR is how they are marketing it now, the doctors. When I was first fed my dose I was told it was to balance a Serotonin chemical I was lacking, and just like a diabetic person needs insulin a depressed person needs anti-depressant pills. I believed in the science, blindly, without questioning because that is how I’ve been trained to be. The problem is you can call it Baby Effexor, or insulin, or whatever you want to name it to feel okay to take it in good conscience. Only the taker of the medicine will be able to say if it works for them. It is still a chemical way to live life and if it works – great. If it isn’t working folks don’t seem to care. They will come to me and want to get to the root of their problem but so filled with brain numbing drugs I can’t reach their feelings for any change to be possible. The irony is I can work with people who engage street drugs, or anti-anxiety medication…the drugs I find the most problematic for reaching right brain capabilities are government sponsored anti-depressants and anti-psychotic medication. These drugs are designed to never wear off. 24/7 the brain is inhibited and the person hardly realizes their own deficiency within a few weeks.
Anti-depressant medication inhibits the senses for human survival and well being. How do I know? My right brain tells me. While I was plied with the drugs I allowed things to happen that were detrimental to my life, and the life of someone I was responsible for. My vision, hearing, and feelings were literally shut down to nothing. My hunger sense, sexual arousal sense, body temperature, blood pressure were all manipulated with these sorts of chronic drugs. On doctor ordered medication I signed away a terrible divorce agreement that really harmed my future and I managed life in a way I would never let be with my own senses.
Drugs that alter moods is not a cure no matter how we want to spin it. Of course it is a choice and I hold no one in judgement for choosing this solution if it works for them. I say do what you want to do unless you decide it is not working and then find another way, or stay in the system – if you are of legal age you don’t need me or anyone to tell you how to conduct your life. I am sharing my story. Yours might be different. Right?
After I miserably failed at suicide l looked around and found myself alive and alone anyway. I had nothing to lose but to try a new approach to me. I decided to try Love. When left to my own devices I researched and finally went for hypnotherapy treatments (thinking a past life might explain my problems) and instead of finding out I was a bad person in another life, I found my mindful awareness opening up like never before. I had a change of thought, feelings, and deed and looked at myself in ways I would never have imagined before. This therapy wasn’t even a little bit flakey to me, it made sense to my better self and I went full on to learn everything I could about the subject of intuitive, spiritual energy – the unconscious mind.
I got a lot more out of hypnotherapy than I ever bargained for but it was just the beginning and it was not in the way I had expected it to work. It was the opposite of a counsellor saving me – I saved me by daring to look within and deciding what I wanted to change, and what about me I wanted to develop more. At the risk of sounding cliché, I found myself!
I turn down clients because I know they will get nothing out of hypnosis if they are unable to reach their senses, or feel they must ‘do something’ to keep the love of someone else. It’s very sad what we do to people with addictions and mental illness, although I am certain it is done unconsciously and it is not the intention to make anyone’s behavior a condition of love. I will tell a client straight up if I think they are making a mistake in attempting a life change before they are ready to put the effort into what took a while to build up.
Am I perfect now? Nope. But I sure love who I have become and enjoy my life-like no other time in my 57 years on earth. When I am down I know just what to do and how to take care of myself. I have an unconditional love that I didn’t know before, it is in me and connected to the rest of the universe. As civilians of the earth we are conditioned to be dependent on others for survival…and if someone dies or leaves us we may wonder how we will survive.
If our lives are enhanced, complimented, thriving in a healthy family with dependency it is a joy to watch and admire. Too often, however, healthy family dynamic is getting harder to find. People are so dependent (or controlling) the emotional needy attachments get in the way of recovery for anyone in the room and can, in fact, make mental illness and addiction behavior seem magnified and things can get out of control for more than the person with the perceived ‘problem. ‘ Toxic environments spread like poison – soon the issue is more than a habit, or addiction – it is an entire house of negative emotional reactions by everyone involved. Nothing gets solved in the middle of fear, worry, guilt, shame or anger.
I am not speaking to the ones who feel in control of their own lives. However, if you find yourself in a control / dependent relationship with an addicted or mental loved one in an emotionally negative way, maybe you will learn something from my message as well that might help your situation. I’m really speaking to the people who have no intention of getting better for you, or anyone else. Why won’t they change? Because unconsciously they know they are here for their own journey, not yours. They will quit when good and ready, and not a moment before. The recovery (or death) will be right on time – just not your time perhaps. We are born and we die alone – rarely at the same time as other family members, and so it is prudent to be in charge of this one life you have, your way. I lost the best part of my life. My son Trevor lived for 25 years and I have to say now – what a ride! I now understand how things were suppose to unfold and I’m even good that he left when he did. This boy had a heart of gold, was gifted intellectually left and right brain, and lived life as if it was over in 25 years. He was a problem child, like me. Now I know, he knew.
I think, unconsciously, we do know more than we think we know, and the more we wake up, the more we will discover for ourselves just how amazing we creatures are.
The Intuit, the first sense we have, is to survive in comfort. Unconsciously any one of us is going to find a way to make themselves comfortable in whatever way possible. We live and cope to the best of our own ability and knowledge, with what we know. If we happen to engage in an unhealthy habit, well, the habit is not going to change until the person decides THEY have had enough of the problem.
It is not the drugs, alcohol, food or hoarding or other obsessive behavior to change (these come from emotional pain) –but self-hatred living in the heart that will drive a person to destruction. The subconscious part of our being is where that answer resides, it does not sit in the ego and therefore it is pointless to try to fix it from that part of the mind.
I am going to share part of a conversation with a friend earlier today regarding her hoarding problem. *Virginia’s young son, Danny, passed away of an illness about a year or two before my Trevor died. We met at a grieving parent’s retreat in Pavo, Georgia in about 2004. We have empathy toward each other because we have both suffered severe loss and of course can understand each other’s pain.
This was her comment about her hoarding and my reply:
You name it……..I probably have it. But there’s just TOO much STUFF……I’m overwhelmed. I did try Ebay for a while but I messed up and it was time consuming. There’s always some kind of DRAMA with the kids (4) or grandkids (8) !!! Wanna move to N.J. ~ live next door to your “hoarder” friend and motivate her to CHANGE her life (whatever is left of it). (lol), actually, not so funny.
Oh my friend, I suspect you like your place full and I would never interfere with that. These things make you comfortable. You have not had a good reason to let any of your things go. I am willing to bet a lot of the anxiety you sense around the hoarding is coming from family members? You know I work with addictions, mental health issues, and the one common denominator that exists in all of my clients is that unless they WANT to stop what they are doing, they will not. We are survivalist’s– born to survive and thrive any way we can.
Unconsciously, you found a way to cope like we all do in different ways. This is your way of a comfortable life. It’s not for me, it is probably not for a lot of people – but YOU enjoy it. So, whatever is left of your life as you say, why not pack your bags and live in what you enjoy? Why not give yourself permission to live any way you feel most comfortable – with your things and memories? If it is affecting others in the home then find a way to make them comfortable as well. Maybe one room can be cleared for their comfort? Why not have a little sit down with each and every one of your family and let them know how you feel? There is a problem (because you mention it) so why not solve the problem and keep yourself happy and comfortable in whatever solution you can come up with to suit yourself first, and everyone else second?
If you are not allowed to live in any way that brings some sense of comfort, peace, or happiness – then that is the problem, isn’t?
You matter my friend. You really matter to me always.
Sometimes just giving people permission to live their way makes them want to do things differently. I have witnessed the controllers finally giving up and sending their child on their own way – and they end up becoming amazing creative beings. And, other times people do decide to just live the way they want and if it is not causing anyone harm do life their own way until they die. If a certain loved one is not in the background making a lot of noise about it, living outside of norms can be a peaceful life too. Eat, drink, hoard – or be weird – it is a choice and no one is powerless.
It is the harsh cold world that is so full of fear, worry, shame and anger it can hardly stand up balanced anymore. Everyone from the government to the medical community to the education system – to loved ones – they all want to control the individual ‘for their own best interests.’ Kids are dying by suicide in record numbers with an inability to cope with the multitude of laws, rules, and conditions we have if they expect love and acceptance.
Trying to live up to an impossible image of someone else can suck the good life out of the best of us.
The solution is empathy. Empathy is having a heart-felt understanding of what people experience that leads them in their behavior. Empathy does not exist just for others. WE must feel love, acceptance, and understanding for ourselves before any behavior can be managed or stopped. Punitive measures to fix emotional pain is an asinine idea, brute force, intimidation, aggression only works for a few very strong ego minded people who don’t mind doing what they are told in spite of their own best interests. Yes, messing up really bad might be in a person’s best interest!
A change of mind is in order.
The perception anyone has of themselves will rule how they live. Change the perception and behaviors disappear naturally. Toughness can only keep someone held down for so long before they find a way to break free.
What hypnotherapy promises to the willing mind is a renewed look at how much control, love, and compassion we can feel without over doing any unhealthy product, and the new self-love naturally motivates the spirit to live, act out, and experience a happy life that appeals to one’s own senses in any way they want.
Permission to be free, happy, and at peace will only come from the individual who believes they are allowed to live the way they choose. The (unconscious) cult like mind conditioning we see going on in families, school, television, movies, social media, news outlets, and marketing commercials have no more power if one is focused on a life they want to experience. Keeping your eye on the ball of your life is the only way to freedom. Looking at everyone else and what they are doing right or wrong cannot help because you are only God to one. Create a life that you can be comfortable in, or proud of, and run with your own ideas all of the way to success.
Or, count on someone else to figure out life for you – at least decide that you are okay with any choices you make. The bottom line when I advise anyone is to make sure YOU are happy with YOUR life decisions – or find another way back to your natural place of comfort.
Control vs. Love. It will be okay if you tell your kids, spouse, or parents to be responsible for their own lives. They will survive – or crash in their mistakes – and it will have nothing to do with you. Please do relax and work your issues – not theirs – for better life results. If you have difficulty letting go and want help consider a type of therapy that will empower you back to self.
- Important footnote: It is NEVER too late to begin again. Please do not suddenly stop taking anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. There will be discomfort unless done correctly and the mind is very fragile during this state of mind. Cherylann often supports clients while they wean off and help the client retrain the body to relax while awake through the wonders of hypnosis.
I write and speak from my heart and soon I’ll be publishing video’s instead of blogging like this. If you like my thoughts I’d love to have you follow me.
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Cherylann M. Thomas, BASc.Crim., CH,t is a Clinical Hypnotherapist specializing in anxiety, depression, grief, addictions, weight loss and more. Working out of the Family Wellness Treatment Centre in West Kelowna, Cherylann prides herself on her awakening intuit, skills and experiences that transfer success to her clients. Openness about her own story, and willingness to go the extra mile with every soul she encounters makes people feel comfortable immediately. Hypnosis treatment is special, but make sure you are ready for the positive mood changes to begin as soon as you start!
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