The holiday festivities are upon us and I am aware and empathetic to the folks who suffer most during the season. Sometimes at this time of year I share again from my heart: life isn’t over until it is over and can prove it with my own remarkable story of endurance.
This message is for the ones ready to give up but have a hint of belief there just might be a way to survive and even thrive in their journey while here in spite of how bad it seems right now. Grab a coffee, or a joint, beer, cookie or what have you if you are still self-comforting for the madness; this is a bit long because I plan to be very real here in spite of what people consider risky speaking up. In spite of myself I open myself up for the sake of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being of everyone. If I can have it so can you I promise. Day in and day out we work hard, earning a living, keeping families together, putting up with the everyday pressures of living up to something. And then something big happens when already at the end, and the whole world blows up and all you want to do is lie down and sleep. Life hurts at times, and the expectations we have of ourselves and others to stay in some kind of certain pattern of tough harsh living just asking for too much when we are here to enjoy our lives not suffer the whole way, am I wrong?
I’ll first assure the reader that today I use to have reason to believe my life was a waste, and over. Yet now am a happy, content and at peace woman on a mission. After all the dust has settled I am pretty sure I am here to inspire as many people as I can, while I can, because I sure didn’t live through all of that for nothing. I have got to help others since I feel I have cracked a code for better life results. I am in the work I do as a Clinical Hypnotherapist because I have lived mental hell of grief, loss and abandonment and found a way back to life. I sought out help that never came for me so found my way in non traditional ways: in the end I had no choice.
I believe without a doubt that the current model of living with mental health labels as if we are flawed, sick, weaker than others, and depression and anxiety problem we see in epidemic proportions owned by the crazy ones alone is ridiculous. Not only that they are getting so bold as to tell women and men that mental health conditions are permanent, even genetic just really gets my blood boiling. Can’t be healed unless you have a lobotomy, shock therapy, or legal heroin for the brain at a cost of hundreds of dollars going to for profit organizations, now one of the most successful stocks in the market – drugs. Instead of surgically removing right brain intelligence now they are medicating. I sense instead of finding cures for mental illness (and physical illness in some cases) they are finding ways to keep folks sick. Just my opinion, don’t beat me up and I hope you keep reading. I know a lot of people resist deprogramming words, sometimes having violent reactions.
The current medical models of dealing with matters of the mind is an utter waste of time, resources, talent and life. The solutions of drugging the unhappy mind until it gets happy again is so far removed from reality I must share so that someone, soon hopefully, listens to me. Labeling a person (however comforting to know I was not alone) was wrong for me and it is wrong for many of my powerless and hopeless case clients who are finding the same amazing results I did in a complete recovery of life.
Let me tell you a bit. Fair warned if you are easily triggered, I will be graphic in parts of my story for the sake of sincerity and because that is how I roll today – with the truth as I experience it. I do this to inspire, not garner pity. That would make me cringe in all honesty.
I was not raised in a loving healthy home whatsoever but after the birth of my son at 18 years of age I fell in love with my precious baby. I found love all by myself. For my child’s sake I fixed myself up, educated my slow below average (if you ask me) academic mind, and built a life for Trevor and what I thought the world would approve of. I worked two jobs, went to school whenever I could afford it, paid back two student loans, raised Trevor with no baby-daddy or family support to count on. Something was missing, I was getting bullied at the daycare with the behavior of my son who never wanted to stand in line like that. I needed a voice I didn’t have before school starts. Why my voice as child’s mother is not enough I leave up to the wind for now.
In 1984 I met and married the best man I could find to be the father to my child, and did a good pick if you ask me as he turned out to be the involved paternal figure, exactly what I envisioned for a good balanced life for my Trevor.
I created life, an amazing career teaching adult education employment and life skills, and later human resource management turned founder and CEO of a personnel agency and growing over the years with a bottom line I was proud of. While it all looked good life wasn’t always happy in my opinion and experience but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. It’s always like that. After a few years of marriage and sinking into the role of a person I did not like, feeling as if I never gave enough to anyone (ridiculous); low self-esteem set in, to an extreme caused by constant scapegoating around me which I accepted as if it was all real – I could never measure up to the expectations of several negative imaginers and judgers in my circles.
My son also had his share of ups and downs and unconscious rebellion in the world I thought was real and sure. Both my son and I are right brain, ADHD types, who are utterly misunderstood in Ego land. Live in the heart and crave freedom of expression, fun, colour, ideas and imagination. I conformed very well to left brain values of tough love, law, strict control, but my son never could. I understand Trevor so much better as I have connected to myself. I had no idea it would end so tragically, however, and my beloved son would not get to enjoy the benefit of my new journey.
Twenty five years after his birth, my only child passed away and not peacefully. Two month’s before Trevor’s terrifying death we were celebrating Mother’s Day Brunch at the Sheraton Hotel with the whole family – laughing and funning as if nothing was wrong.
It was one of the last moments of human connection I had with my son. Trevor died in a car accident, catching on fire after being slammed into by someone turning left onto a rushing freeway intersection; and I share because it matters to me; my boy’s legs cut from the engine to save his life after the fire was put out by emergency crews. My strong spirited son survived 2.5 hours after an accident that made his body unrecognizable with 80% 3rd degree burns, amputations of the legs below the knees, head trauma, ruptured spleen. I share these horrific details not to shock you or make you sick or to scare you, I live with this image of my child and I do share in spite of the obvious discomfort of my circumstances. Trevor lived and he died and I will not deny that.
Trevor’s life changed me, his death made me face me – and ended up understanding a beautiful soul, and I know some will find this difficult to comprehend if they are living in the fearful world in Ego requirements for acceptance and belonging.
My only surviving child (I had three unsuccessful pregnancies) dying before me was just the beginning of a succession of continued losses and pain. After the accident things became a whole lot worse first. These incredible shocks to my life made me weak, unable to work or do anything much for myself or anyone else. And yet I sensed my son’s spirit all around me all of the time. Was that grief? Yes, that was what I was told by others who knew better than me.
Both social welfare entities (government doctors and Christianity) telling me it was wrong to believe that my son’s spirit lives. One wanted to drug that part of my mind connected to spirit, the other told me I was playing with the devil.
I was on my own.
Trevor’s strong spirit in life was nothing compared to his strength in death. Long story short (none of this is short, is it?) I had to search out my own answers and did so after an angel saved me from succeeding the last time I tried to end my life.
It happened when the dust settled after my son’s death as I looked around and no one was there anymore. No one to tell me what to do, where to go…how to do life now? I couldn’t friends. I had to die.
Thinking back I seem to feel my most sick in hostile environments with angry, afraid, and guilty people who I allowed to use my life as a person to blame for their misery problems. One of the last straws (there are other bigger ones) came to light when I helped my father in his dying days in 2007. Running back and forth to Vancouver from Kelowna, tending to his apartment, palliative care, hospice, his fears for six months until he died and then I had to cremate the poor man against his biggest fear of all. This broke my heart some more.
Everyone, all of them, abandoned me and made me feel I was the worst scum of the earth – betraying the family. How dare I cross bitter mother, and everyone else who hates dad? I figured whatever was in their imagination of whom I was, was true. I must be a real crack pot for having such sensitivity, or an easy person to scapegoat?
I did not appreciate that bankrupt life the way I do now – it was all part of this journey for a reason, I am sure – but let me tell you how my mind went in this set of circumstances.
Distraught over the state of my life, I finally decided to end my suffering the day I drove my car into oblivion on the Coquihalla, making sure there was a good hard rock place for me to turn right into. This was my second attempt that day. Plan A didn’t work out which was to go into the mountain back roads forest, stuff my exhaust pipes with rags, have a cup of wine and cigarette and just die nice and quiet like in peace by myself. There I was in the middle of no where one minute into the car running fumes into the cab when a lady in a black powerful type of huge truck pulled up beside me screaming “What the hell are you doing!?” Where did she come from? I sped off with the intention of getting the job done with Plan B. That didn’t work out either as you can tell since I am writing.
As my vehicle entered into the mountain rock after flying down the highway and turning into it, an angel appeared in my steering wheel and prevented my physical body from having any damage at all – even though my car was killed forever. Now, you can call me crazy and tell people to stay away from me, the way the fearful ones have with no confidence in me as a person who might know something very special. Or, you can pay attention.
I was forced to spend 72 hours at the hospital psych ward but I knew that was it. I was done. There would never, ever be another attempt from me. This is not the plan, I realized. No matter how hard I have tried since I lost the only person I felt a true love connection with in my life the universe was not taking me and I was stuck and had to find a way to health or just live like a miserable homeless person begging for soup somewhere.
I had a talk with my son’s spirit and guides and whoever else might be around and said, “Listen, if I have to live, I insist on living well!” I meant happy, in peace, content. I couldn’t see how I could survive let alone thrive with no one left and no financial resources and the self-worth of a worm. Wait, worms accept themselves for their wormness don’t they? In desperation I did the mental health routines, even residential treatment type centers for coping with private and social group work. Counsellors were dumbstruck at my story and most could not empathize my story after story of loss, betrayal, and abandonment.
As soon as I was released from the hospital I contacted a Clinical Hypnotherapist in the Vancouver area and spent two weeks at a hotel seeing her virtually every day. At first I didn’t get it. I was a tough case, the toughest I bet the poor woman ever met, but later my unconscious mind began waking up in ways I could never have imagined before. After my hypnosis experience seemed to be staying with me, I added to my curriculum vita by becoming a Registered Clinical Hypnotherapist (IMDHA) in 2011. I can almost now see the progression since that fateful day on the highway and how everything is perfect, even if I have to live in an imperfect system with other imperfect beings. This life makes sense to me. I had to experience all of that to be able to do what I do today with sincerity and empathy on my side working with others in awful situations of circumstance.
Under the darkness there is a natural light and truth of the mental mind. Recovery is rapid because once the learned fears, shames and other ego matters are resolved there is nothing to do but practice the new way of living with this freedom. When the mind is at peace, and is ready to be free, full of joy and curious wonder, or just comfortable even – good things happen.
I learned all of my negative self-talk thinking from historical conditioning. I was here to serve everyone else’s spirit but my own; my job as a woman was to be a good mother or risk the damnation of society for my failure as a person, and other false beliefs. I felt the hostility directed toward my sensitive soul meant there was something wrong with me. There isn’t, it’s the cold ones who need help but they will never get help because in their mind there is nothing wrong with them, it’s me. Or you. We go along believing that and this is why so many highly developed souls (mental cases mostly) are oppressed, drugged, and often advised to silence truth or risk social shunning.
Since no one was taking care of me I took over the job and am way better at it than anyone else could have been. I’ve already lost the most, it does not hurt me to lose critical people as they just get in the way of where I want to go.
Now that I found wellness it was up to me to maintain and protect myself moving forward – so that I never fall into the trap of powerlessness again.
Live, Let Live, Let Go…Grow.
Life is in my hands. Ever since I took charge and said no more other-people tell me how to live nothing has been the same, yet I am the same spirit. Just free to be. I have two gorgeous kitty cats who put me into gleeful trance as they play so happily with the emporium I have going on in my rented but lovely condo for their play. I drive a 2002 Toyota Corolla but have a pink corvette in my imagination for whenever my left brain figures out a way to make it happen. Still a person who needs to reach out and help others I give unconditionally to people I want to support, who I sense appreciate and value me as a person first. Takers will always take from the givers, and I’ll never stop being a giver but now I am careful who I reign my love on because it is up to me to protect me in every way. Just because I want to feel temporarily good giving away my life, money, soul to someone else doesn’t mean it is what the mental mind, energy, spirit, unconscious wants. She wants FREEDOM TO BE WITHOUT CONDITIONS in her gift giving. I am an empath – not a fool working against my own best interests any more. Could you be an empath giving away to the wrong people and being disrespected in return?
If you are ready to find your own light, passion, or simple mental comfort by all means try hypnotherapy with a practitioner. Dare to get to the root of issues and see how fast you will completely recover from mental illness symptoms. Insist for your life fun, joy, happiness, demand it from yourself. The light, freedom and energy is in you when the darkness is lifted in a responsible and meaningful manner. Soon your own perfect solutions and answers come to mind that will solve day-to-day and serious living problems. Negative energy emotions such as worry, fear, guilt, shame and anger keep solutions and light away. If one thinks sick they create more sickness. Hopelessness sets in.
Listen, not going to lie, this life will never be perfect. The difference is we don’t have to participate in what is going on with the stress. Find ways to reduce it in your life, get over being perfect and expecting others to be perfect. Let go of what false beliefs you might be so tightly holding onto, and see what happens.
We have to start talking or risk so much more pain to come in the strict confines of life expectations by others before us. Ideas will come if you sit and ask yourself some simple questions. Another good idea is to ‘guess’ what to do. This is an opening of right brain sensitives that really brings in the universal wisdom that makes perfect sense when listening. If you don’t know where to start maybe invest in getting support for your mind the same way some invest and value the physical body.
If no one seems to value or appreciate you – why not find people who need and value your gifts this year? Stick with the people who lift you, if there is none, find a way to lift yourself. If you do not know how, maybe guess at how you can start feeling better. This is the opening of the true sleeping spirit which really does know everything. Maybe it’s time for you to find emotional freedom as well. It is in all of us to have peace and fun after trauma, self emotional abuse, and loss because we seem to forget about who we should really be looking after. Only the beholder can change their mind, and they only do so when they want to, or are forced to by outside influences. If you don’t want to change but must, you just might open up new better doors that will actually bring your spirit right back to where it wants to go. It’s unconscious until we wake to reality of freedom to live in light and peace on earth. This ability is for everyone with cognitive thought. If you can solve problems (usually learned by grade 4) anything can be achieved by way of the amazing imagination.
I believe in you and you do not have to do this alone!
Your sharing, likes and comments are very much appreciated! It’s heart-warming after everything to know people are positively responding to new ways of thinking, for the health of it. This article might be just what someone needs to hear and can find the strength to pull themselves together enough to investigate options beyond the ones that don’t appear to be working. Thank you, and please appreciate your own empathetic heart as you look around at your neighbor and if you notice anyone needing you this season as well.
*Please do not suddenly stop a psychiatric drug. Let someone know of your plans and do it slowly with as little emotional pain as possible as you wean down. Take it slow.
Need Crisis Help? Please start somewhere and call 911 or http://crisiscentrechat.ca/
Cherylann Thomas, BASc.Crim., CH,t is a Clinical Hypnotherapist accepting clients at the Family Wellness Treatment Centre in West Kelowna, BC. She prides herself on her sincere intention of facilitating the light back in the eyes of folks who think life is over. If you are still breathing, it is not.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and please let yourself have the best times of your life as often as possible. Eat the food on your good china, take the plastic off the sofa, and let yourself play in any way that pleases your mind, body and soul. Please do not to sweat what the others are doing, it feels lighter already!
Wishing love, laughter, peace and happiness to everyone this season, 2016. xxoo
Suicide is an epidemic affecting many men, women, and children. It is the number one killer of youth in middle school now. I am concerned that if we do not start speaking openly and honestly things will get much worse before better. I do not mind being an example of speaking up my truth if it will help others. I wonder what would happen if we all opened up a little bit? Secrets, shame and stuffing – the path to self-destruction.